It is March. I am standing in my kitchen in my PJs, eating Christmas candy that I purchased from the Goodwill. To be clear, it was not my intention to be eating yuletide-themed confections on the precipice of spring, like Miss Havisham, but for snacks. It’s just that sometimes in life we find ourselves in […]

Despite my numerous protestations, several letters to the editor, and one shockingly well-funded Kickstarter, Thanksgiving is somehow upon us again. If you are anything like me (clinically depressed and awesome), you are wondering how we ended up here again. In my case, I assume it’s punishment for the time I said Vince Vaughn was “kind […]

Hello. Hi. It’s me. Hey. Howya doing? Yeah, ME, TOO. (Sobs turn into maniacal laughing.) (Slowly transforms into The Joker.) It was a tough year before this past Tuesday, to be honest. If someone had asked me, I would have easily marked it one of the most difficult ones of my personal and professional life. […]

★★★ Idea Has Potential. I don’t hate the idea of this book. It feels like the author (full disclosure: it me) doesn’t really have a clear idea of it, and instead of writing the book they keep getting distracted and reading about dysfunctional relationships on reddit. I keep calling it a “book proposal” even though […]

People keep reminding me it is January. I consider this an act of aggression. I keep writing “October” on all my checks. I also keep writing 1997. I also keep writing checks? What the hell is even going on with January, anyway? How can a January ever possibly feel normal? The year just started; the […]

It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and as holidays bear down upon us, I find myself repeating the same refrain again and again: You do not need to make pumpkin pie from scratch. You do not need to make anything from scratch. You do not need to recreate a family recipe passed down for generations. Your […]

Look, look, here’s the thing: I have watched the footage of Taylor Swift running towards Travis Kelce and hugging him a bazillion times now, and if you are a person who is alive and has a internet connection, or even a person who doesn’t have an internet connection, even if you are just a dead […]

While conducting an archeological dig of my office, unearthing crumbling notebooks that contained the early drafts of all the books I have written, and all the books intended to write but somehow did not, I found a box of old photos. They were from a summer I’d spent in Europe when I was 20 years […]

You might have heard by now (from me, and the way I keep talking about it all the time, on this site, and also on social media, and in real life) THAT I HAVE A NEW BOOK COMING OUT. (Not apologizing for the all caps. I’m excited.) And if you haven’t already pre-ordered, please consider […]

I am old enough to remember when the Internet was a largely useless place for most people. My college dormmates would sit patiently, waiting hours for image files to download in large ribboned chunks, in hopes of something salacious appearing. If the image was mislabeled, they could find that they’d waited a good twenty minutes […]

A few weeks ago, Rand and I went out to dinner at a restaurant we hadn’t tried before. The menu was mostly Pacific Northwestern – so, lots of fish and expensive – with a few Italian dishes thrown in. We settled on a couple of things, one being arancini – tiny little fried balls of […]

I have to warn you, this post is about Dane Cook. This is exceptionally depressing. Honestly, most days, I don’t think about Dane Cook – not even enough to hate him. Any knowledge I have of him has been gained through some sort of pop culture osmosis. I think he made a weird creepy movie […]

Several years ago, I crossed paths with the rusty, hateful jalopy that is Lauren Boebert’s internet presence. The Representative had recently shoved a few firearms onto her bookshelf with the care of someone trying to shove dirty laundry into their suitcase at the end of a trip. I decided to display menstrual products on my […]

Congratulations! You just finished your book, and while we always knew you could do it, the odds in Vegas suggested that this was extremely unlikely, and some of us are out a lot of money this morning. But never mind! That’s irrelevant! Lifelong dreams have been accomplished, so does it really matter who gets thrown […]

Last week, Twitter … did something. I don’t actually know the machinations of it, to be honest, and I’m at the point where I’m a little too fatigued to care. I heard whispers of something amiss. That Google could no longer crawl the site; that people were getting notifications that they’d exceeded their daily recommended […]