Hello, hi, yes, I would like to speak to the manager please?

No, I don’t think that this is something you could help me with … okay. Okay, fine. Yes, so I’ve been shopping here for several years, and it’s always been a really positive experience. But yesterday I was walking down the freezer aisle and someone called my name.

It was a guy I knew. From high school.

Yes, thank you, I’m glad you understand the gravity of this. And in this case, it was particularly terrible because, see, I looked like this:

What. The. Fuck.

I know. It’s unfortunate. And no, I’m not trying to make things look worse in these photos. These are undoctored. I really looked that bad. I’d just spent the morning in the pottery studio, and the

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